Us Mormons....we really are as shallow as the remaining US population

Every Utahn has heard of the infamous David Archuletta ( I don't even know how the crap he spells his name...sorry) and that he just placed second in the over popular American Idol crapola show. But did you know that he once, yes once was a kid that did actually go to high school in a normal place? Yet when he was attending Murray High in Utah, no one new him, he wasn't Mr. Popular and didn't have every girl reaching out for him, crying as he walked by. So......why now? He didn't change his personality, his looks, his charisma. This tells you how low Americans, and yes even the Holier than Thou Mormons are. He is now sought after for one sole reason....his fame. Now that he is known nation wide, people adore him, not that he will be raking in the dough, people think of him as some godlike figure. Murray has even dedicated a day out of the year as "David" day. So why does this seventeen year old pubescent boy get a day to him for singing and an entire parade thrown for him, while the police, firefighters and military personel get little recognition at all. I mean for crying out loud, Murray High canceld school so everyone could see their "little celeb" in the parade as he glided down Main waving like a prissy queen out of his limo. Give me a break. Money, Fortune and Fame sure bring people low, but I thought Utahns standards were not based on worldly aspects. Hmmmm...guess not.

Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto...?

Greetings Earthlings,







So imagine this picturesque scene. You have just been humbly born. You have begun your rigerous journey through life. You have a loving family and they incorporate you into thier daily routines. Memories of playing with your siblings and spending time with the ones you love. Having dail expierences that mold and define you as a human. Being able to accomplish things that other people only tried to do, and getting recognition for it. Enjoying life as a human being is essential for growth. Then all of the sudden you are told one day from a "commitee" that you are not human. You are only kinda human...this is obviously preposterous!!! This fatal accusation has befalled one of our heavenly objects. Pluto is no longer a planet. When i heard this ridiculous proclamation i wanted to vomit in sadness! I remember the classic science fairs in which i would create a small diorama of our humble solar system. I would eagerly tell the judge all about my favorite planet. "this is pluto," i would explain! "its the farthest and coldest planent in our solar system! Its my favorite cause its so small and cold, like a snowball!" my little prepubescent voice would say. Well all those happy memories have been shot in the face! I personally believe a planet cannot have its prestigious title ripped from it like a hard to get booger or an unwanted wart! Now all the science books proclaming the last planent in our solar system have to change. And while were at it we might as well make evolution part of the ciriculum as well. Needless to say i would like to seriously talk to the "commitee" about how they decide on what qualifies a planet to be a planet. In the meanwhile i will continue to believe that Pluto is a planet and will teach my future generation that it is the BEST one out there!







Pluto is a planet regardless how small it is!!!!







Thanks







--Max I <3>

Hello...is this God?

Every so often I am given the glorious opportunity to speak to some of God's dumbest creations. It simply boggles my mind that some of the people I get to converse with at my work, don't have the slightest idea on the correct manner to speak with someone over the phone, and how to approach a situation appropriatly. THEN they assume because I work somewhere, I can do Deity skills as in parting the Great Salt Lake. For instance, I had this "polite" and I use that term loosly, women call in because she had left her card in the ATM...in St. George. She wanted to know why in the world her card was gone, and demanded that I(yes she singled me out....not just someone, but she wanted me) drive down to St. George and with my Godlike abilities, unlock the secure ATM and retrieve her card. "Okay, I will do that!", was instantly what I said to her..."just a sec, let me grab some floo powder, I will be there in a matter of minutes." I mean COME ON!!! Then when I tell her she has to wait until Monday, she freaks out like she won't survive the weekend with out her plastic lifeline....has anyone ever hear of these green paper pieces called bills. I mean all you have to do is pay what ever you decide to spend your money on, with dollarbills. Is that unheard of or what? Don't blow up at me if there is a simple solution and you are just to bull headed to actually think for yourself. Hey it actually might do you some good to think, you m ay get something accomplished...ever think of that???? Didn't think so, that's why I thought of it for you.

--Sarah

A "General" Epidemic

Hola,

Our bodies are remakable machines. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year...until you die, the body does amazing things! One of the best things it does for us is protect us from diseases. The thymus gland is one of the organs participated in this complex process called "phagocytosis." Unfortunatley, as we age the thymus gland decreases in mass. This sudden decrease limits the potential of millions of powerful t-cells to muture. Without the population of many t-cells, diseases and other malevolent entities can uphold residence within our bodies. Thus, cancer may form, we could catch influenza, multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis, palsy, or the ever silent but deadly gonoherpasyphilaids! I believe however i have found the source of this dramatic down size in thymus glands. The answer lies in breakfast. Every morning millions Americans wake up and contemplate what to dine on for breakfast. Thier mind often turns to a box full of sin! Cereal is culprit. "General Mills" produces millions of artifically flavored, puffed corn kernals, that get stuck in the fossas of our teeth. Once these minature health killers are masticated and digested they begin to reak their havoc. Once the "puffed corn has been chewed it turns into a substance of grotesque features, it secreates enzymes into the blood stream. These enzymes then attach themselves to the antibodies located on immature t-cells. Then once the t-cells reach the thymus the cereal bits begin necroting thymus tissue. Eventually we get sick and die. So i implore you my friends, stop this utter madness! Rebel against general mills and thier horrific products. I have quit eating cereal and my health is better than ever before. Make yourself a delicious pancake or smoothie for breakfast, instead of going the american way and eating a bowl of "satan's food." Fight for your health and join my rebellion!!!

Thanks!

Max

Money + Age = Orange Skin

So I had the fantastic opportunity to depart from work sixty minutes early today. It twas around three oclock when the text arrived, Kelsey had the ticket...yes the tickets that would save me from an hour a torture. Row Seven tickets to the ever prevailing Utah Jazz game. We had jerseys, plastic noise makers and screaming voices. We were set. The thing was though, with row seven seats, we were bound to be sitting next to some "high and mighty" people. Well in fact we were...sort of.

The girl sitting infront of me had a beer in one hand and her phone in the other...she had a shrilly voice and by the end of the night was tipsy turvy. It was then I discoverd one of my new favorite hobbies is to watch people. They are so strange and dumb. I then briskly glanced around 180 degress for any other sapian that could catch my eye. There was a young couple a few rows in front of me. I don't think the girl ate...ever...There I was suffering through hunger pains, just about ready to drop dead right on the gum coated floor, and this girl was being bruised because her clothes were to heavy for her to handle.

Now comes the reason for my decadant title...the caucasion carrot. The owner of Morgan Jewlers was sitting just accross the way from me with his spouse accompaning him to his right. The rock on her fragile finger was about the size of those marbles you use to play...well marbles with...you know what I am talking about. The BIG one. Anyway, she was drenched in frosting...just in case you are lost, frosting is the term used in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days that describes beautiful diamonds and further more....jewlery. As a fifty five year old women, she should be aging accordingly with wrinkly skin, and a frost tinted skin tone...yet she was orange...yes orange. I am pretty sure that either she put WAY to much fake tan lotion on, or someone played a dirty trick on her and placed orange jello mix in her shower that morning....or is a cronic carrot eater. That along with her Botox injected face, she was....how should I phrase it...UGLY.

She needed to come to closure on the fact that just because she has money, she can't buy her youth. Happiness doesn't come with how young you attempt to appear, this often is paradoxial because she looked WAY to old to even be at a Jazz game. Anyway the point is, don't spend your money on age decreasing agents because it will only turn for the worst... I mean who wants the Umpa-Loompa appearance anyway???

--Sarah